and in light of both questions, here is a quote to consider:

"I notice the desire to reform moves man away from his neighbor, and not
towards him. It leads to isolation. To concern for the self. When one
has grown utterly weary of trying to aid men one returns to the flock
and then one really aids, just by his presence, because then the sum of
experiences, of suffering, of self-analysis and soul-struggle have
mellowed the individual and he can aid because he speaks and moves out
of a ripe, conscious wisdom - not through precepts, ideas, formulas.
I'm thinking that perhaps the root of all dissension between "friends"
is the quality of idealism contained in it. It is again a too sacred,
too private, too isolated thing." -Henry Miller, A Literate Passion

just for consideration: there is an arrogance in thinking that we know
better than another, regardless of our training, what is right for them.
this is the basis for my statement that giving advice Can be a subtle
form of violence - because it divides and increases self-criticism, etc.
this is why i like the discouragement of giving advice in therapy -
while guiding someone through questions or simple statements toward
their own realizations - in an environment of acceptance and non-judgment.

the practice of letting go of judgment is such an important one -
in order to liberate both self and other -
to be replaced by acceptance and gratitude.
it's a lesson in consciousness and awareness.
judgments are a limited and very small perspective
on an infinite world.

let me add quickly that i am a HUGE supporter of martin luther king, jr.
and the civil rights movement. and that his was a platform of reform.
what is the difference that makes his approach less isolating, less
threatening, not violent or harmful? i would like to suggest that the
basis of his approach was deep love and respect for all humans, such
that he would not allow HIMSELF to be treated as if he were less than
human. By his example of resistance, by his words of acceptance and
brotherhood and love, he chose not to denigrate the other man but rather
to serve as an example of how vast our potential for love and respect
and unity really is.

i would like to continue discussing the idea of perturbing the field, in
light of this, because while it does involve pushing and discomfort, i
do see that it is distinguishable from this other phenomenon of pushing
concepts or ideas onto another, and that it can be highly therapeutic.
it can quicken the healing process. if it is not done so intensely that
the client withdraws deeper into a world of pain and fear.

all i know is my own life, in which the deepest therapeutic moments have
not happened in therapy. perhaps the most important moment of my life
was sitting before alice walker in new mexico the day before a talk she
gave at a midwifery conference. she held my hands and asked me about my
life and my passions. for about an hour we talked. and in that time, she
held me in such a space of acceptance, welcome, and love that i went
home and cried for a long time. the next day, she had put me on the
guest list of her talk...i figured, well she's so famous and busy, she
might forget, its okay, no big deal, it doesn't matter, etc
(self-deprecation and vulnerability at their finest), but she remembered
me, and more than that, she was happy to see me, she escorted me in, in
fact, and had me sit by her.

we sang together and talked together, and during her speech, she looked
at me (as part of an exercise that everyone was participating in,not
just us) and said, "I welcome you to this world." [Her talk was on the
importance of welcoming children into this world...and about how many
people were not ever welcomed.] Her talk was incredibly moving, and
made a lot of sense. I felt deeply healed by that exchange. She
literally changed my life.

My point is that we come together to study in an interest in helping
people...and I think that our daily exchanges in life with people we
encounter are valuable moments in which by being present and valuing the
presence of another, by accepting and welcoming them into our "field,"
we can make a huge difference in a person's life. We can plant a seed, a
reminder, of what it feels like to be seen - not in terms of someone
else's agenda or busy schedule or "I don't have time to waste on this
person" - but in terms of lovingkindness and presence.

sincerely, heather

"The question is not, 'If I stop to help the sanitation workers, what
will happen to me?' The question is, 'If I do not stop to help the
sanitation workers, what will happen to them?' " Martin Luther Kingl Jr.
a voice of endless love and service to this world

©2004 Heather Havey Neal